Long story short, it was all started from one problem that I’ve been stuck within months. It drew me to this endless loop of sadness and depression. If I told you what it was, you might say it is not that important because it was. Deep down I knew it. The voice inside me told me that I can’t continue to be like this, I got to move on. So, that night I prayed.

I prayed in between my crying and sobbing. It was some random January night.  I was so terrible at the time. I said something like, “God, I can’t be like this on and on. I know I have some potential in me, all I need is a growing environment. I can’t be stuck with it all the time, it makes me look so pathetic. Give me the strength, give me another problem I can deal with but not this one. I’ll learn other things but I’m done with this. Oh God, help me. Please, help me.”

If someone ever asked me what is the biggest lesson I got in achieving BAKTINUSA, I’ll say that I learned if there is no coincidence in life. Every moment you experience is written and not random at all. You always at the right place and the right moment. By saying there is no coincidence, I also mean about the small kinds of stuff like watching your friend’s particular Instagram story.

So, I’ve watched BAKTINUSA enrollment poster on social media like two times and even saved it to my phone. But, I felt terrified back then because I knew that the selection process is including public speaking which it seemed to be very scary. I’m not a speaker person. So I let the time goes by until it was a week before the deadline. And some random fire started to burn inside me and led me to write down my five-year life plan –the first requirement documents I need to prepare in order to fill the registration form.

There were reasons why it is so important to do some research before applying something. It was 2 days ahead before the deadline that I realize there are MORE documents I need to prepare and the most critical ones were the recommendation letter and the essay.

Just unlike me on a usual day, I didn’t stop. It challenged me. Then I got two recommendation letters, both from my lecturers, in a day. I finished my essay on the deadline day. Seems like the universe was on my side.

In around February, I was on Instagram detox so I was barely using Instagram. It gave me a lot of positive energy –a life with fewer Instagram posts, but as the results, I late to know that the announcement of the first stage was ALREADY PUBLISHED. I was like 2 days late and I wouldn’t know if it was not because my old friend from Semarang was joining the “UJI PUBLIK” stage and asking for a vote. Yeah, you can say a lot that I’m a master of procrastination.

I opened the announcement with my shaky hands and found my name in it.

Luckily, Surabaya has 30 days ahead for the interview process. How glad I was. Could you imagine the chaos I felt if the interview was on the same day or even a day before?

So I got around a month to prepare my self. I couldn’t be lack of preparation as before. I did my research, I asked the people I know had have joined last year enrollment. I came up with a conclusion that it wasn’t the prepared answers which will make me pass, but it was all on me and my mindset. I had to be sure about myself, who I really was, what I wanted, what I really thought and where I lead to in life.

What did I do then? I fed up myself with as much as positivity that I can. I watched dozens of TEDx Talk videos, listened to some inspirational podcasts on Inspigo (Azalea Ayuningtyas is always my favorite) while building up my mind every night before sleep. A day before the interview, I locked myself in my room and have a discussion on my own. I asked some questions to myself, the deep stuff, and be as honest as possible with the answers.

The day came and I thought I did the interview pretty well. I was proud enough with the introduction video I made. I even bought myself Pokpok Chicken as a form of appreciation.

I had a good feeling that I will pass the interview stage. Even I didn’t know it yet, I already texted my friends to be my supporter on Uji Publik day and then arranged a multi-chat on Line. And my heart was right.

In the morning of Uji Publik day, I didn’t get my self ready for the speech. Instead, I went to Hisana and ordered 11 boxes of chicken rice for my friends. I couldn’t bear to bother them on some lazy Sunday morning with hunger.

Was I nervous? Hmm, a little. (By saying a little, it means A LOT)

I got the first turn for the speech and while imagining that I talked like people I used to watch on Tedx Talks videos, I felt that my fingers were trembling as well as my voice at the beginning of my speech.

The best moment of Uji Publik was when my friends doing the yel-yel thing. I was so happy looking at my two different close circle gave me support side by side. I still smile for no reason if I look again to the video till now.

Question by question, lap by lap, finally Uji Publik was done, and how proud I was overcoming the things that scared me before. The last thing to do was craving for a vote. I remembered as I lied down on my friend’s bed and texted everyone to give me a vote, I rambled “How if I get accepted but I am not good enough? That I don’t deserve to be along with other awardees?”

Huff, again, self-doubt. It made me stop for a while and asked myself “Do I have to put all my effort into this? Will it be worth it?”

At the moment, I convinced myself, that I’ve failed like many many times, so if on this chance I get it, then it is because of God’s will.

It was at the celebration of my friend’s birthday when the announcement was released. As I always procrastinate things, I was too nervous to check it right away. Instead, I pretended to forget and enjoyed the sushi I ate with my friends. Till I saw my parents and some friends congratulate me on Whatsapp and Line. It was a smile that filled up my face along the night.

As I said before, there is no coincidence in life. The fire that made me start to fill the registration form is driven as I watched my friend’s particular Instagram story about this particular girl that I’ve been crushing lately. NOT IN ROMANTIC WAY, I mean I want to be like her for some reason. God know, God always know, that I don’t have enough courage to join BAKTINUSA, so He made me “look” to that story. And somehow it was the answer to my former prayer.

So here I am now. Be the 9th generation of BAKTINUSA.